Pray, observe the spectacle! The Russian spirit-market has descended into a comedy of the most exquisite absurdity. Our esteemed local merchants, those gallant gentlemen of commerce, find themselves in a predicament as dizzying as a bottle of the very product they sell.

It appears that in the first quarter of the year of our Lord 2026, the gentlemen of Latvia have emerged as the preeminent purveyors of vodka to the Russian Empire, hauling in a tidy sum of two and a half million dollars! One can almost see the Latvian merchants rubbing their hands in glee, while the Spanish and Georgian traders scramble for the remaining crumbs, fighting over a few hundred thousand dollars like urchins over a dropped farthing.

Indeed, the year 2025 saw a veritable deluge of imports, rising by seventeen per cent. Five nations of the European Union, having previously played a game of coquetry by withdrawing their spirits, have now returned, lured by the irresistible siren song of the Russian ruble.

But soft! Let us speak of the cost. The average price of a bottle has climbed by nearly fifteen per cent, a leap that would make a seasoned stockbroker faint. Mr. Dmitry Vostrikov, a gentleman of the 'Rusprodsoyuz' association, explains this tragedy with the dryness of a legal brief: excise taxes have risen, and the costs of raw materials and logistics have ascended to the heavens.

Since the first of January, the excise duty on spirits stronger than eighteen degrees has leaped from 740 to 824 rubles. The minimum price for a half-litre bottle is now 409 rubles. By February, the average cost of a litre had reached 948 rubles—a price that would cause a modest clerk to reconsider his lifelong devotion to the bottle.

Naturally, the local production has withered like a neglected garden. In 2025, the production of vodka shrank by over four per cent, and cognac—that nectar of the pretend-aristocracy—plummeted by thirteen per cent. The sales have likewise dipped. Why, you ask? Because of those wretched taxes, the rise in minimum prices, and a most peculiar trend toward 'Healthy Living'—a fancy notion that suggests one might be happier without a daily dose of spirits!

In the grand cities of Moscow and St. Petersburg, the appetite for vodka is at its lowest. The experts, those learned gentlemen who predict the weather and the markets with equal uncertainty, suggest that the public shall soon abandon the clear spirit in favour of gin, rum, and liqueurs.

Yet, there is a twist! While the domestic market suffers, the export of Russian spirits has surged by thirty-nine per cent, reaching ninety-three million dollars. Our merchants are exporting their liquid gold to the East and the Middle East with a vigour that borders on the manic. Kazakhstan, in particular, has swallowed up twenty-five million dollars' worth, while the export to India has tripled!

And consider the case of Georgia! Those Georgian gentlemen, despite all their diplomatic grievances, have increased their imports of Russian vodka by twenty per cent. It seems that when it comes to the bottle, old quarrels are forgotten as quickly as a drunkard forgets his own name.

In summary: the local price is a scandal, the Latvian merchant is laughing all the way to the bank, and the Russian export trade is flourishing while the domestic producer weeps into his empty ledger. A truly marvelous farce!