The Great Continental Shuffle, or How Mr. Banker Sought His Lost Shillings in the Courts of Frankfurt

Pray, cast your eyes upon the spectacle currently unfolding in the Landgericht of Frankfurt! It is a drama of the most exquisite greed, featuring as its protagonist the illustrious Deutsche Bank—a house of finance that, it seems, has discovered that gold does not always flow as smoothly as a well-poured gin.

Our esteemed gentlemen of the bank find themselves in a most spirited quarrel with the multinational merchants of Linde. The bone of contention? A sum of some 260 million euros, which vanished into the ether following the collapse of a grand project in the Russian Empire—a venture of ten billion euros that proved to be as sturdy as a house of cards in a gale.

Her Honour, Judge Corinna Distler, has seen fit to offer a preliminary nod of approval to the bank’s grievances. One can almost imagine the banker’s face—a mask of tragic desperation—as he pleaded for his lost lucre. However, the Judge, with the caution of a man crossing a muddy street, reminded the court that this is but a preliminary view, and the final verdict shall be delivered on the twentieth of October.

Now, let us examine the comedy of errors! The venture involved the construction of a gas complex near Saint Petersburg. In the year 2021, Deutsche Bank and several other financiers, acting with the blind optimism of a lottery player, provided guarantees for the contracts. Then came the sanctions—those dreadfully inconvenient decrees from the European capitals—and Linde, like a startled hare, ceased all operations in Russia.

Naturally, the bankers refused to pay their guarantees, citing the law. In response, the Russian courts, with a most decisive flourish, seized the assets of these banks to the tune of one billion euros! Our protagonists suffered as follows:

One wonders if these gentlemen ever considered that venturing their fortunes in such tempestuous waters might result in a light purse! The Financial Times reports that UniCredit and Commerzbank, not wishing to be left behind in this race for restitution, have filed their own suits against Linde, demanding their millions be returned with haste.

As if this were not enough of a circus, the giant Gazprom has also entered the fray, hauling the Russian branch of Linde, a certain legal firm, and a German property company into court.

Truly, it is a magnificent age for the law! While the merchants bicker and the bankers wail over their lost bills of exchange, the world watches this grand dance of the speculators with the utmost amusement.