A Pittance for the Pyromancers, or The Great Budgetary Frugality of the State

Pray, lend your attention to a most comical piece of statecraft! It appears our esteemed Government, in a fit of unparalleled benevolence, has finally decided exactly how many farthings a young soul shall receive for risking his whiskers in the flames of the State Fire Service.

According to a decree dated the 15th of September, 2026, the monthly stipend for these brave conscripts is to be precisely 2,758 rubles. One can only imagine the delight of a young gentleman upon discovering that his valour is priced so modestly! It is a sum that would scarcely suffice to buy a decent hat for a city clerk, let alone sustain a man battling the inferno.

But hold! The comedy deepens! This same pittance is to be granted to those unfortunate souls in the National Guard, the rescue formations, and the shadowy corridors of State Security. Truly, it is an 'Accountant's Paradise'—a uniform system of austerity where every recruit, regardless of whether he fights fire or spies on his neighbour, is treated with the same exquisite frugality.

One might have hoped for a shred of mercy from the State Duma, yet alas! When a suggestion was made to increase these salaries, our illustrious legislators dismissed the notion as 'untimely.' Indeed, in the eyes of a true State Commercialist, there is never a more 'untimely' moment to part with a single copper coin than when a soldier asks for his dinner.