The Great American Tariff Farce, or How the Merchant Princes Tremble Before a New Decree

Pray, attend to this latest comedy of commerce! The gentlemen of the United States Congress, in a fit of most exuberant zeal, are currently contemplating a new decree of sanctions. Their aim? To impose tariffs of up to one hundred per centum upon the five most opulent importers of Russian oil and natural gas. One can only imagine the perspiration upon the brows of those merchant princes as they read such news in the gazettes!

As the esteemed Reuters informs us, this latest legislative whim targets the very titans of the trade. Among those suspected of pursuing an excessive 'barysh' from Russian crude, we find the empires of China and India, alongside the gentlemen of Slovakia, Hungary, and Azerbaijan. As for the invisible breath of natural gas, the list of culprits extends to China, France, Japan, Hungary, and Belgium.

However, as is the custom with every legal entanglement, there are exemptions for those who possess a sufficiently agile spirit. Should a nation import less than fifteen per centum of the Russian gas export—and demonstrate a most pious devotion to reducing such dealings—they may be spared the rod. It is whispered that the merchants of Japan, France, Hungary, and Belgium are currently polishing their boots and practicing their expressions of regret, hoping to be granted such a merciful exception by the American masters.