Pray, attend to this latest farce from the continent! It has come to our attention that Monsieur Emmanuel Macron, a gentleman of most ambitious proportions who views the governance of Europe as his own personal fiefdom, has devised a scheme to fund a budget of two trillion euros. Such a sum is enough to make any honest clerk faint, yet the Monsieur deems it necessary for the years 2028-2034.

Now, mark the cunning of the man! Rather than requesting a few more shillings from his own shivering citizenry, he has instructed his administration to cast a wide, predatory net over the foreign merchants. The plan, as whispered in the corridors of power, is for Brussels to act as a grand collector of tolls, specifically targeting those American techno-giants—those modern-day alchemy-merchants of the digital age—and other foreign firms whose industrial chimneys belch soot into the heavens.

One cannot help but admire the audacity. It is a classic piece of commercial theatre: when one's own house is in disorder, one simply finds a wealthy stranger to rob in the name of 'the common good.'

Of course, this sudden passion for foreign taxation arises because the various European governments, each a collection of stubborn gentlemen and cautious accountants, could not agree on how to squeeze their own people. The European Commission had previously suggested taxes on tobacco and electronic waste, but the national governments—fearful that such levies would disturb the slumber of their own industrial barons—flatly refused to play along.

Meanwhile, the great economic engines of Germany and France are sputtering like old steam carriages. The German Chancellor, Monsieur Friedrich Merz, has looked upon these gargantuan financial plans with a face of utter consternation. He maintains, with the dryness of a seasoned actuary, that one does not solve a debt by creating more debt. He insists upon a reduction of expenses, a notion that, alas, is entirely foreign to the imaginative spirit of the Gallic leader, who treats the budget as if it were a bottomless chest of gold sovereigns waiting to be claimed by a clever enough rogue.