A Most Peculiar Agitation at the Exchange, or How Mr. Trump’s Blockade Brought the Oil Merchants to a Fever Pitch

Pray, observe the spectacle of our modern city! On this Monday, the thirteenth of July, the gentlemen of the Exchange were seized by a most curious delirium. The price of Brent oil, that dark nectar of the industrial age, began to climb with the frantic energy of a pickpocket fleeing the Constabulary.

By the grace of certain figures provided by the house of Investing, we learn that the price leaped beyond the sum of eighty dollars per barrel. Though it suffered a slight, momentary decline to seventy-nine dollars and sixty-eight cents by the hour of six-fifteen, the overall gain remained a scandalous four and eighty-three per cent. One could almost hear the clinking of gold coins in the pockets of the most fortunate speculators!

What, you ask, caused this commotion? None other than Mr. Donald Trump, the American potentate, who has seen fit to reimpose a maritime blockade upon the Persians of Iran. It seems a few missile skirmishes in the Strait of Hormuz convinced him that a truce is as useless as a chocolate teapot.

But the comedy does not end there! To further enrich the American treasury—or perhaps to satisfy some whim of state—the gentleman from Washington has introduced a levy of twenty per cent for any vessel daring to traverse that vital artery of the East. He claims, with a straight face, that such a 'fee' is merely to cover the costs of keeping the peace.

In Tehran, the local lords are not amused; they have vowed that Washington shall not hold the keys to their waters. This clash of egos has left the common merchant in a state of utter collapse. Indeed, one Mr. Paul Diggle, a learned economist of the Aberdeen society, suggests that if this farce continues and the Strait is closed entirely, the price of oil may reach a grotesque one hundred and eighty dollars by year's end.

Imagine the joy of the oil-merchant! While the world trembles, the clever rogue adjusts his top hat, checks his bills of exchange, and dreams of a profit that would make a buccaneer blush.